Jay Furr (jayfurr) wrote,
Jay Furr
jayfurr

The onset of darkness


The morning after the New England 3-Day, I find myself feeling tired, depressed, and kind of pathetic. I worked my tuchus off all weekend and now it’s over and I have nothing to look forward to for a very long time.


This year has been kind of about


work

work

work

Trip to NC over Memorial Day Weekend

work

work

work

Trip to NYC to see “Hamilton” and “Wicked”

work

work

work

Walk Twin Cities 3-Day

work

work

work

Crew New England 3-Day


but now the foreseeable future for a long way out is:


work

work

work

work

work

work

work


No vacations planned, no special events to look forward to, just a long Vermont winter and the onset of my usual I’m-so-pathetic-and-everyone-hates-me blues.


Major depression is a real illness and mine happens to be drug-resistant and very hard to treat.


Past experience has shown me that the smartest thing to do, when my depression starts to get bad, is to simply delete/deactivate my social media accounts. No one ever notices my absence, no one ever reaches out to say “hey, you’ve disappeared, how are you??” And that’s perfectly understandable. People are busy and have their own lives, and no one would put me on their list of top ten (or twenty, or fifty) friends.


And pulling a vanishing act has one major thing to recommend it — if I don’t even have a social media presence, I can’t use it to do pathetic, lonely things on those days when my depression is really out of control. And that means “fewer things to regret doing later.”


So if I do kinda drop off the surface of the Earth here in a few days or weeks, it won’t be because I’ve cried “goodbye cruel world” and jumped into a pond.


It’ll be because it’s the easiest way to avoid embarrassing myself worse.

Tags: depression
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